i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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