chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
