Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
