everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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