The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
