I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
