I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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