Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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