Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
