Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
