Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
