we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
