my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
