Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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