last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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