MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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