I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
