True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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