it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
As shirtless as possible
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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