it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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