My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm like, not good at living.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
