i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
