I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
