I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish you could order shots online.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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