My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
