Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
