u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
