Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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