I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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