I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
