Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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