I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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