I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
