That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize