im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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