I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
