ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
