I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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