you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
