Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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