hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
