I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
