I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
