His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm too high and old for this...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
