Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
