My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
