Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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