I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
