i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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