So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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