In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
