Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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