Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
