2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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