I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
