Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
