Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
