Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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