If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
