Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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