3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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