I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
