i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
